I submitted “Mortality, Interrupted” to another local workshop group, the St, Petersburg chapter of the IAoAA (International Association of Aspiring Authors) and got some good feedback:
kford2007 wrote:I really, really liked this, Tristan, though I would like to see a bit more description. You have such a beautiful way with descriptions and I really think a few hints to oiled lamps or the smell of the place or something to set the mood would make this piece even strong than it is.There was one line that confused me at first as to who said it:“It’s almost time, Thomas. Are ye with us and the Lord? Or are ye in league with them and the Legions of Hell?”I wasn’t sure if this was the barkeep who spoke or Matthew. Maybe just a clarification. Something like Matthew sat back, or Matthew stroked his face before replying or something just to make sure the reader knows who’s speaking.if I had to grade on a 1 – 5 with 5 being the tops – you’d get the top marks from me. Well done!
I thought the feedback was great. I made a few changes to the scene and I’ve updated the page to reflect the changes. I think it should read a bit better. Y’all let me know what you think.